My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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