Ketchup is God's man juice
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
