I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Ladies don't puke and tell
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
