Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
