Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
