Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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