Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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