I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
