dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
