my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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