I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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