we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
