Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize