How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
