he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
