If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
