Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
