My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
