I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
