Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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