i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
