I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
