is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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