Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
