The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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