Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
