He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
