Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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