Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
