I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
