The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
