she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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