Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
