So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
