He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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