Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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