Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We need a shit load of segways right now
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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