I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
