We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize