I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
