Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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