she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
