They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
