My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
