i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
