the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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