his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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