She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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