You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
