Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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