I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
