Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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