ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
