If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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