No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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