i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
