Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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